Silent but Deadly

Mental Health~ Anxiety and Depression

If we could go back about 5 years ago, I would have never believed you if you told me I was going to be a victim of sever anxiety and postpartum depression. I never thought it was going to make me quit my job, avoid my friends, land me in the hospital more than once, and affect every single aspect of my entire life.

There are a few points I want to touch upon in this entry: Some feelings of those with anxiety and depression/relating to those who struggle from it, being aware, how I cope.

*This blog entry is especially for those who struggled or have struggled with mental illness, specifically anxiety and depression. I want you to relate, understand, be aware, and know you are not alone. Please, feel free to comment on this post or contact me with any comments or questions. I would love to hear from you. There is no judgement and no shame. Mental illness is a serious issue, and not everyone realizes or understands it. 

Motivation, Purpose, Happiness, Confidence

These words are significant because when struggling with anxiety & depression, they're what you lack but what you want (back) more than anything.

I can tell you first hand how sad life seems, how the smallest issues blow up into a huge problem. Every situation takes a toll on you because you analyze it over and over in your head...over-thinking.

The most annoying thing to deal with: HIDING IT! I hated being around other people, because I was secretly feeling sick, sad, and suffering! I can remember so many times where I felt so dizzy, nauseous, etc. because I was experiencing anxiety or panic attacks, meanwhile I was with people who didn't know, or that I didn't feel comfortable saying anything to, so I had to act like I was ok. I hated that so, so much. That's why I had comfort people: those who were aware I wasn't 'well', and I felt comfortable enough saying "I don't feel good."


While anxiety and depression try to run my life, there are ways I am aware of when it's getting bad, and how I personally cope with my mental illness.

Before my anxiety and depression was under control I

• Didn't clean the house
• Didn't cook
• Didn't eat
• Stayed in PJ's all day (Didn't brush hair, put clothes, contacts in, and makeup on...)
• Didn't leave my house without significant other
• Didn't go to school
• Didn't work
• Didn't drive
• Skipped/cancelled appointments
• Never contacted friends/never made plans
• Watched TV all day
• And much, much more...

The severity of my depression and anxiety was really intense. At my lowest point, I actually lost 20 pounds or so, putting me at 100 lbs. at 5 foot 6 inches. I was skin and bones. Not to mention, I was dehydrated and obviously malnourished. 

I never want the illness to run my life like that again, I also never want to land in a hospital again, so sick and malnourished. The list above are my warning signs that my depression and anxiety are getting worse. They keep me in check. If I notice that I haven't felt like cleaning the house or cooking, and I would rather sit around watch TV all day, then I know I need to force myself to get up and do what I have to do, otherwise my depression will win. When I see myself slipping into those old ways, I know I need to do something. It's easier said then done, but I think of all the ways I've come, battling the illness, and I put that into perspective. I know that I never want to feel that way again, so I do what I have to do to keep healthy and happy.

If you want to be aware of your depression/anxiety, make a list of all the habits when you were at your lowest point. This will keep you aware of how you are acting/feeling/etc.

How I Cope

Well, I push myself (to an extent). When I was at my lowest point, I literally couldn't push myself. I was too deep in the hole, there was no pushing. I needed to hit that point to wake up and realize what was going on. I needed family to help me, and I needed medication and therapy. All of these things worked wonders for me, and I have overcame a lot. Now that I am not on medicine or attending therapy anymore, I know I am doing better, but I have many days where I don't feel like doing anything.

Starting this blog has been giving me something to do, and it makes me happy. Spending time with my family, looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. All things that keep me sane, for the most part.

When it comes to the issue of hiding anxiety and depression, I don't care anymore. I always felt like if I was going to have a panic attack and I am with other people, I have to hide it, like I stated before. Now, if I start to feel dizzy or anything, I think to myself, "Okay, who cares, you don't feel good, take care of yourself, there's a bathroom right there, you can leave if you need to, what's the worst that will happen? You'll tell everyone you don't feel good and they help you, or you leave, it's going to be fine." Thinking this actually stops my panic attacks now. I just need to remind myself I am not "trapped", I can leave the room, go to the bathroom, tell someone, and what's the worst that can really happen? Most likely, someone will help me if it gets that bad.

I have to be honest, I know things are easier said then done. I know that it's hard to find the positive when you're feeling so negative. All these feelings pass though, another day happens, and you keep moving forward, never forgetting the challenges you've overcome. 

Here are some links that can help those with anxiety and depression:

http://www.adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/depression

http://www.everydayhealth.com/anxiety/anxiety-and-depression.aspx